Let it be known right up front that I am not skeptical about marriage. When I met my now husband, I knew that I had found THE person that I wanted to share marriage with. Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the well-known
Eat, Pray, Love is (or more appropriately, was) the skeptic. I have to say that the topic of
Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage, Gilbert's latest book wasn't what enticed me to read it. Plain and simple -- I wanted to know what happened to Gilbert AFTER
Eat, Pray, Love. Little did I know that I would find the historical and cultural story of marriage as interesting as I did. What I really found interesting, however, was in Chapter Five -- "Marriage & Women."
On page 185, after reading Gilbert's statement, "...nearly forty year old, feeling no desire whatsoever for a baby of my own" I liked the book even more. For the most part, this is me in a nutshell. (I say "for the most part" because I do have occasional random fleeting desires.) Gilbert goes on to say that this is relevant in her story because marriage and child rearing are so enmeshed in our society.
A few paragraphs later, Gilbert writes the following and when I read it, I realize that I could've written that EXACT same statement, "Moreover, while the vague idea of motherhood had always seemed natural to me, the reality -- as it approached -- only filled me with dread and sorrow." I can't put my feelings into words any better. The thought of having a human life to care for 24 hours per day and guide through life for the next 18 years = walls closing in on me.
When I first got married (6 1/2 years ago), I constantly fielded questions about WHEN I would be having children. (It was a given with those that questioned me that I WOULD have children.) I would then delicately try to explain the concept of that never happening. Most people didn't understand and would just push further. One co-worker said to me during a holiday work party, "C'mon -- you have to try at least one." My reaction? A child is not a piece of candy that I can buy, taste, spit out and throw away if I don't like it.
These questions led to lots of feelings of guilt for me. What is WRONG with me for not wanting children? I felt like the only one I knew that felt this way. Gilbert addresses this on page 190, "All too often, those of us who choose to remain childless are accused of being somehow unwomanly or unnatural or selfish..."
Gilbert then goes on to say that often childless women join the ranks of the "Auntie Brigade" and what a wonderful group they are.
I finished this chapter in the book feeling happy, validated, not so alone. I have two amazing stepchildren who I've been able to watch grow up and develop a relationship with. When I married my husband, I gained eight amazing nieces & nephews (and now even one great-nephew!) My best friends have the cutest kids and even though I don't see them often, I love playing with them and hanging out with them. And when the playing is done and the crying starts, I can get in my car and drive away...
